Why Can't I Talk To Her?
It is the dilemma that faces most (if not all) young men. Myself included, at that age. Why is it so hard just to talk to a girl? Well, I’ve had 20 years to reflect on my time as a horny teenage boy. In that time, well, let’s just say I have learned a few things.
If you truly want to understand what is going on here then you first have to understand something about conditioning. If you paid attention in school, then you probably remember learning about Pavlov and his dogs. He taught his dogs to salivate (or “lick their chops”) simply by ringing a bell. All he had to do was ring the bell at dinnertime and the dogs quickly learned to associate the sound of the bell with feeding time. Eventually the dogs became trained to lick their chops to the sound of the bell, even when there was no food presented with the sound of the bell.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “men are dogs”. That should be a hint as to where this is going… Yes I am making the argument that young men have conditioned or trained themselves to have extreme difficulty talking to women.
How does the conditioning work? It’s pretty simple: boy sees girl, boy gets turned on, boy masturbates while thinking about girl. Whether the girl is a real person in his life or a porn star or just some random girl walking down the street doesn’t really matter much. Conditioning is about stimulus and response. The stimulus is the female curves. The response is the orgasm. The more powerful or rewarding the response, the more likely it is that the conditioning will succeed. In the case of masturbation, the reward is an orgasm, which is a very potent reward. A reward of this magnitude ensures that the conditioning will be very effective very fast.
Note that I have not yet actually explained exactly what behavior is being conditioned. This is the critical point of the essay. What is the conditioning? It is not simply a matter of visual stimulation conditioning a boy to masturbate. That much is obvious. This does lead to the objectification of women, which is not a particularly good thing, but it is also not the end of the world either. It is an age-old debate that tends to split the sexes pretty evenly. But this has little to do with why a guy who masturbates cant talk to a girl. If it were that simple I wouldn’t need to be writing about it. There is a lot more to it.
If you’re really horny, and you decide you want to masturbate, what do you always do right before you begin?
Analyze your behavior during these moments. What do you always do?
You make sure you’re alone. You don’t just whip it out in the middle of a crowded room and go to town. You make sure you’re alone. For some reason, it is very important to not get caught. We probably sense on a subconscious level that this isn't the best behavior. We get this sense that we’re probably doing something wrong or perhaps shameful, so we figure it is best to not get caught.
This is the key conditioning that is happening: You have to be alone in order to have sex. That is your conditioning. Conditioning works on a subconscious level. As far as your subconscious is concerned, sex = masturbation = orgasm, it is all the same thing. With a partner, without a partner, it doesn’t matter to your subconscious mind. It is all the same. Remember, the effectiveness of your conditioning depends on the degree of response for the desired behavior. Since the response is an orgasm, the conditioning is going to be highly effective. How many times have you reinforced this conditioning? Dozens? Hundreds? Thousands? When I was 15 I did it on average 5 times a day. I nearly broke 2000 times in a single year. When I was 16 I learned that this wasn’t helping me with girls so I slowed way way down. (I was told it makes you too passive. Not inaccurate, but not exactly a complete or satisfying answer.) But still we’re talking several times a week even after "slowing way down". And more importantly, I had reinforced my conditioning over 5000 times by the time I turned 16. But the conditioning is so effective that it only takes a few times before it starts affecting your behavior. So don’t go thinking that you don’t have a problem if you’ve only done it a few times in your entire life. Based on everything I’ve learned so far, my best guess is that the average oversexualized American male has had about 2000 solo orgasms by age 18.
So what does all this mean? It means you have to be alone in order to have sex. Whenever you see something sexy you are going to feel the need to masturbate, and therefore you are going to feel the need to be alone. When you are around a girl you like, you’re going to be checking her out. You get turned on just by looking, you cant help it. At that point your conditioning takes over. You have to be alone. You are conditioned to want to get away from her. But when you are with a girl you like, you are trying to act against this conditioning. You want to talk to her. But you just cant. The compulsion to get away is so strong that you cannot think or say anything. On a conscious level you don’t know what is happening. You’re thinking “this girl could bring me unbelievable amounts of pleasure, so why cant I talk to her?” But the conditioning is completely subconscious. What it’s saying is something more like, “this girl is standing in the way of me having sex.” But you don’t see that logic on a conscious level, at least not until now maybe. And if you think about it, maybe you can see the simple animal logic of it. If masturbation is more or less the only sex you’ve ever known, then of course any potential sex partner is, technically, standing in the way. And the simple logical solution is to get away from them.
It’s a huge battle that goes on between your subconscious conditioning (“I need to get away from her”) and your conscious desire (“I want to talk to her and get closer to her”). It is called cognitive dissonance. While this battle is raging inside your head, you come off as creepy or weird because she cant understand what’s going on. If you begin to sense her unease, it just makes things worse. By the time that happens you are now so uncomfortable that you have no choice but to remove yourself from her presence. The conditioning wins.
After this harrowing experience, you lay in bed thinking about what happened. Chances are you are reinforcing the conditioning, if you know what I mean. Perhaps even several times. I remember hanging out with really attractive girls, and as soon as I had some alone time it was not uncommon to get off 4, 5, or even more times than that in a single hour. I’ve heard stories of guys doing it as many as ten times in a single hour. My point is that this rabbit hole goes pretty deep, and if and when you decide you want to climb out, it is going to be very difficult to do so.
What is the solution? How do you break the conditioning? This is the sad part. You probably already know the answer. You have to stop the masturbation. Not because it makes hair grow on your hands. Not because of any of those silly reasons. But because of the way it conditions you to need to be alone in order to have sex.
Unfortunately, it will take more than that to break the conditioning. You need to re-condition yourself. You have to learn to become dependent on a partner for your orgasms. When you depend on someone else in order to get off, then you are no longer compelled to get away from them the moment you get turned on. Stop and imagine what it would be like to talk to a girl when you’ve been conditioned to be dependent on her for your orgasms. You will not want to get away. You will not feel like you don’t know what to say. This is the person who can bring you unbelievable amounts of pleasure. You can tell her anything. You will be totally comfortable around her. She will sense your comfort level.
Women interpret this sense as “confidence”, and they are attracted to it. This is actually a big part of the reason why women fall for men who are clearly just using them for sex. They are attracted to the “need”; the raw desire that comes from being totally dependent on a partner. They can see it in a man’s eyes, clear as day. They can also see a lack of need, just as clearly. Obviously they do not consciously process what they see. On a conscious level, it only surfaces as a feeling. If you are a frequent wanker, then when a woman looks into your eyes, her subconscious mind will identify you as someone who doesn’t “need” her. This will result in an instantaneous lack of attraction, if not outright repulsion. On a primitive biological level, I hope you can see how and why our species had to evolve this way.
Needless to say you are going to need help if you want to recondition yourself. If you read this far then you know what needs to be done. All you need to do is explain your situation to a potential partner, and ask them to help you become dependent on another person for your orgasms. It doesn’t have to be intercourse. In fact it shouldn’t involve intercourse. Just whatever it takes to get off.
There is a way to speed up your reconditioning. Visual stimulation is the predominant method of arousal for a young male. Every time you look at female curves, it causes an immediate hormonal reaction. Sperm and semen production increase. When you look at a sexually attractive female, you instantly feel a sensation down below. That is the feeling of your body preparing itself for sex. But sex is about more than being visually stimulated and then getting off. You have been conditioned to understand sex as being simply all about getting turned on through visual stimulation and then getting off. In that paradigm, the female is merely an object of desire.
The visual aspect of sex really does serve to objectify women. You should desire to break this conditioning as well, since it will help you break the other conditioning much faster. You need to recondition yourself not only to become dependent on a partner for your orgasms, but also to be dependent upon physical contact and an emotional connection rather than just visual stimulation. This is of course really easy to do. Just make sure there is plenty of talking and touching before you finally are allowed to orgasm.
If you fail to break this conditioning then I’ll tell you what lies ahead for your future. You are going to have difficulty talking and relating to women well into your twenties. You are going to find yourself in a bar or at a party or someplace like that, getting drunk and using the alcohol to remove your inhibitions so you can actually talk to her. And then the next day you are going to wake up next to her and you’ll run out the door. Or, if fate demands it, you will enter into a relationship with her. And because that relationship was consummated more or less at random, and under the influence of mind altering substances, there is very little chance of a real true lasting emotional connection forming. The relationship will most likely fail, possibly leading to a financially devastating divorce and a shattered family. And you will pass that on to whatever children happen to be unwitting participants in it. Take a good look at our society, particularly the rates and trends in divorce, and ask yourself, do you really want to be a part of that?